Breathe. Just Breathe.

I think the saying ‘if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen’ applies if you find yourself two anxious thoughts away from a panic attack when waiting for your date to call.

These anxious moments by the phone, email, Facebook and msn messenger build yourself up to either be a stronger dater or weaken your dating longevity. Some women go into denial - ‘I know it’s been two weeks, he is just really busy at the moment. AND maybe they died in a freak accident? Their phone was stolen? He was secretly in the CIA and has been shipped off to Afghanistan for secret interrogation work? Some go on the defensive ‘Well, if he isn’t going to call then there’s no way in hell I am calling him, I didn’t even like him that much anyways!!!’ Some women stalk their dates if they haven’t received a call by the next day. Ladies, 57 missed calls from a private number isn’t a subtle approach - he knows it’s you!

Personally, I react differently each time. Some times I will be happy to wait the standard three-four days and then either give up waiting or depending on the person I might send an email. Other times, if I have known them for awhile and have had a daily call, text or emailing session leading up to the date, I will generally start convincing myself the date went terribly if I have not heard from them in less than 24 hours; because maybe I was too worried about how my hair looked or worried about getting food on my face to notice the crashing and burning of the potential relationship happening around me.

Interestingly, if my date whom I never wanted to see again contacts me, I still feel relieved after he has made the first contact. Because the ball has been left in my court – I have been given the offer of something more with that person and I can choose to let it wither and die with one little text message or I can feed that persons desire to let what we have grow into something. I have been given control.

Why so anxious?

Because, dating is personal and the rejection you feel afterwards is always personal. I have always thought that dating is a process where each dater assesses and critiques their date, for example; ‘Hmmm his nose scrunches up in a weird way when he laughs, I don’t know about that’ and ‘he nods too much when I am talking, I don’t know about that either.’ Whereas, love is about accepting and embracing all the quirks and differences that person has. We all want to get to the love stage, eventually and maybe more than we may admit sometimes, so dating can be brutal, it is little rejections of an offer or hope of love.

Can I handle the heat? Probably not as well as some people and probably better than others. The biggest thing to remember is that no matter how amazing and promising one date looked before your entrée, if it didn’t work out it simply was not meant to be.


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.

Men to Avoid

The partner we choose in life is one of the biggest and most significant choices we will ever make. Some people are devastated by their choices and some people appear to be blessed with a beautiful life and beautiful partner. For someone who has been somewhat unlucky in love up until this point, here are some guidelines I have learnt along the way:

Don't go out with the guy who.....

1) talks about himself in third person; remember 'Jimmy' who chases Elaine in the Seinfeld episode 'The Jimmy' (Season 6 Episode 105). It's funny for awhile, but after that you start believing there may be psychotic tendencies at play.

2) is married/recently separated/is in prison/has a personality disorder/lives on the streets/has bad breathe. These men are unavailable either physically, emotionally or both. Also, any guy who suggests you lay down in the boot of his car as a 'fun game' he probably wants to kill you.

3) listens to Cher, Madoonna and Barbara Streissand while reading the IKEA catalogue in bed and dusting his home-made cup cake crumbs off your new pink Peter Alexander fluffy robe. The man is gay. Accept it - your boyfriend is now the best girlfriend you have ever had (Hello, Will & Grace).

4) see's life as a Broadway musical (the guy who breaks out into song at any available moment, asks you to announce him before he enters rooms in a 'non mediocre' way; and thinks the best way to avoid an argument is to sing a ballad from the Pirates of Penzance). You will always be the supporting role in his life, or even regarded as an audience member with season tickets - and let's not mention the associated stress of attending to such a 'huge talent'.

5) somehow managed to convince you that giving up your career and taking up cooking/cleaning classes was the best idea for everyone; that his best mate moving into the spare room ('men's game room') was the best idea he has ever had and that Sunday aka 'nudist day' is also the best idea he has ever had - it's obvious he took a hypnotist course - get out now, the man has secret powers.

Just thank me later.

X


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.

ATTENTION: Missing Friend: last seen when single!

"Anne* and I use to be close friends. Until she got a boyfriend" - Cassandra

A friend and I were discussing a friend who has been some what absent the past, oh - 18 months. It started off gradually. Anne* would have an excuse why she couldn't meet up for the usual drinks with girls on Friday night at the local bar or come shopping on those Saturday mornings when the weather was bad. Anne* eventually stopped replying to our texts and calls. As you can imagine, this was pretty confusing and hurtful for myself and my girlfriends. We had been replaced - by a man. It's one thing to say you feel like a night in on Friday night to watch Carrie and co. express their angst over men on their Friday night - but to be traded in for a boyfriend and our 'other' 'boring' married friends is like a little stab in our constantly flexed single girl abs.

But why does this happen so frequently?

'The boyfriend' creates social implications, whether you like it or not. Your social circle changes, I.e. in the beginning, you have just doubled your social life - You both set up an active social life while single and neither of you want to disappoint your friends by ditching them for the 'new guy'. However the social strain on both of you to keep up the social side of your former single selves flares up quicker than you can say 'vodka lime and soda, no ice, extra lime, real lime? thanks.'

The couple then goes into rebellion. They stay in and completely ditch their friends and reason to each other that there friends should understand, because they are in the honeymoon stage and the world is as if they have invisible rose coloured glasses on. During this time of isolation and paired up solitary confinement - the couple normally (if lucky) form a close bond and may even develop their own code of language, for example; their former first name may even be replaced to 'boo' or 'chook' (long story). They eventually emerge, however like anyone who has been kept in the dark and away from society as they knew it for lengthy periods, they are gradually introduced back; they accept the odd birthday and christening invite - if only to show off their new relationship and shut up their old single friends who have recently started throwing eggs at their bedroom window.

Another difference in their social lives when they emerge from the 'confinement' is the way they view their different circle of friends. Their single friends represent what they were before - independent, cynical on love and debated the out-dated nature of love in it's entirety and those who might be guilty of a sneaky pash and dash at any intoxicated moment. Then there were the paired up and married friends who were once seen to be 'boring' and 'never around' - these 'friends' if they could call them that after their confinement and re-directing of friendship, were now looking like a warm and familiar set of faces to congregate with.

But why???? What did us single folk ever do to you??

In my opinion it happens because the world is a different place when two people's lives collide into one. The friends and connections you had before seem like connections to their single selves, which are not compatible in their new lives in coupledom. People like to be around people who understand them, have similar values and can relate too; for example - mothers groups, ethnic groups, Buddhist monks in the high mountains of Tibet..

All in all, because of the musical chair nature of love and life - the value in friendship is just as important as the valuing of your dearly beloved. When you emerge out of loved up confinement - the re-directing and abandonment of long term friends is not always necessary; unless your friends are actually egging your bedroom window and actively trying to seduce your Mr boo bear bubby wubble. (spew).


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.

Once upon a time a princess did NOT kiss her toad....

Sitting on a crowded train home from the Sydney hills district to the coast, for a mere moment I forgot where I was and let out a quiet giggle followed by a pitiful shake of the head. I was on my way home from an 'enlightening' date and the only lasting memory of this date will be what happened afterwards.

I had met the 'toad' months prior, however briefly - we later connected on facebook and we played with the idea of catching up for dinner. The perfect time came around as we were both on holidays (he is a high school teacher and I am in my last year of uni). As my grandparents live in his area, I offered to come up and kill two birds with one stone, as they say.

'Toad' was right on time and after explaining to my very conservative grandparents that I was going to meet a group of people for dinner and perhaps it would be best not to wait up - I clip clopped down the front path to meet the 'Toad Miester', Yes......'The Toad Miester' is his actual nickname so you can understand my laughing to myself and the shaking of the head on my way home.

'Toad' welcomed me with a warm smile and I started conversation off straight away. In the first 3 minutes of our drive to Newport I was searching for a spark. There was nothing.

Our conversation flowed and we discussed religion and politics in great detail and made humorous comments along the way. It was turning into an uncomfortably 'pleasant' and slightly dull date.

Once we got into the restaurant, I was able to better look at my date and continue to search for any kind of spark. Again….nothing. Sitting across from him at dinner, I looked him in the eye while he spoke, all the while using my peripheral vision to continue to search - Nothing. In fact, it made it worse. While nodding at all the right places while he discussed his travels and dreams - I realised why his friends and family call him 'The Toad Miester' - if he were made into a caricature of an animal, there would be no species more representative of him than a toad. Yes, I went on a date with someone whose caricature would be that of a toad. I am shaking my head at myself as I write this. I asked if he knew why he was called 'Toad' and he laughed and said he had no idea..... oh damn I wish I was rude enough to fill him in on the joke...that he did in face look like a 'good looking toad'.

After another uncomfortably 'pleasant' drive back I was happy to be dropped off. Walking down the familiar path which I first walked down at age 2, I let out a deflated sigh and dramatically threw my arms in the air and asked 'why!!!!! why did I have to travel 2.5 hours for that!!!'

I was 3 steps into the front door when I got a text from 'Toad' - "Hey, thanks for coming up, I had a good night! If it is ok by you I would just like to be friends'. I was a little amused by this as to me it just seemed obvious. I replied - "Hey, yeah - i totally agree :o)". I thought this was the end of it....

I checked my facebook an hour later and I wanted to check his profile for a link he mentioned. However, when i went to search for him, he was not my 'friend' anymore; the bugger DELETED me just an hour after the 'date'.

Not really particularly being one to go down without knowing why - I messaged him. I said - "Hi, I was happy to remain friends although just wondering why you have deleted me off facebook?" he came back with - "Realistically, are we ever going to talk again?" To which I replied "S*** that's depressing. I was happy to remain friends as we do have a lot in common. Good luck with it TOAD' - he came back with an apology; however to me it was done.

My understanding of it would be that despite saying otherwise (him being a 'churchie'), he realised soon on that he was not going to get into my Alice McCall dress anytime soon.

The joke is on me though in hindsight.. Who knew 'Toad' would turn out to be a toad.

This princess only kisses princes.


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.

Liar Liar....Your Dating Style is on Fire

There are three kinds of liars in the dating world. Liars who lie to appear more appealing to their date and the liar who will sit there lying to themselves as they force themselves to like their date because it's the most action they have got all year. Then of course, we may be all a little guilty of this...at the end of the date the dater may even end in a little white lie, such as: "Ok, well I really must be off, my grandmother is sick and I promised I would see her, and she goes to bed quite early...so you understand?" ..."But you said your only living relative is your older brother who lives with the Tibetan monks in Nepal?"

But do liars have better dating success?

If we think of it as a game - you are in the middle on the dating arena, you are open and interested in seeing who is out there. You will come across people you like, some people you cannot make your mind up about and some people you want to gnaw your own ears off. In order to stay active in the game, you need to sift through the undesirable in order to increase your chances of success. This process requires the dater to manoeuvre their way in the dating area (accepting and rejecting) where they still appear to be charming and sensitive; I.e. you need to be good at lying. You need a rehearsed plan which accommodates for plan A. (the date goes really well but you might play hard to get so you pretend you have plans when they call you 3 days later) Plan B. (you are unsure if you want to see R. or J. on Saturday night so you tell them you might have something on and will get back to them asap - or whenever you finally decide which is more desirable) and plan C. (when the date went terribly and you need to lie to be kind...for example; "It's not you...It's me"). Without these lies, how can a dater juggle the demands of the game?

A well constructed lie can save a dater's reputation for sure.

For some people the game is more fun than actually finding someone to one day put down as your 'person to call in an emergency'. These people, 'player's' stay in the game for longer than they should and normally come out of it wrinkly - just like being in a bath too long.

At the end of the day, dating is game, a dance, a risk taking and vulnerable adventure and it is most likely that people will lie, hopefully mainly to protect themselves or to be kind to a fellow 'sensitive' or 'bruised' dater. It's a jungle out there!


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.

The 'Perfect' Date

What classifies as a good date? In all honesty

You need to have at least established the following:

a) the other person turned up
b) you didn't call/or be called by the wrong name (your ex or their last date's name)
c) you didn't throw up on someone or have any other involuntary explosion of bodily fluids
d) neither of you seem to be or are inspired to become axe wielding psychopaths.

However, you can have a 'good date' yet neither of you contact each other...is it just as black and white as Greg Behrendt (aka the 'he's just not that into you' guy) suggests?

Ideally you have:

a) connected in a way beyond the normal 'so yeah..you're a PA, how fascinating, how did you get into that?' conversation.

b) you laughed and found yourself smiling throughout the date

c) you were sad to see the date end and you both hinted that you are both looking forward to seeing each other again soon


....but then, nothing!

After chatting with single friends and going on a few dates myself over the years - I think it goes beyond you both not being that into each other. I accidentally found myself on a date a little while ago. He was charming, funny, intelligent and interesting. We got along well and talked for hours about everything from religion, travelling, science, life experiences, ideologies and so on. Yet, after the date had finished, the spark had also died out. It was if, that 'date' was just for the hell of it as neither of us thought to pursue another one. I have later found out that he was moving overseas two weeks later and did not want to start something which might prove impossible; and I realised that I did not call was because it was also bad timing for me as well (the word 'relationship' makes me want to go into witness protection and work as a dressed up cartoon character and hand out badly written fliers).

So what happens with those perfect dates? Do you go back and salvage them when the timing is right?

Perhaps not.

Maybe we all need a 'perfect' date every now and then. As single people we feel the pressure to go on dates and meet new people; however the act of going on a date and having a fantastic time can also feed a hunger which is limited to having a perfect date. The satisfaction of having a great date may surpass the actual desire to become coupled up with another person. I know I felt happy to of had that successfully interesting and fun date, however I was not hungry for another one because that could potentially present a potentially confusing hiccup in my stagnated dating timeline. Maybe it is sometimes better to preserve that date and look back on it fondly as a great day and know you are capable of having a great time; and not giving in to pressure of pursuing a relationship just because you think you owe it to the perfect date.


X x


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.

Dating Guys my Own Age and the Buggery of Facebook IV (finale)

After a relaxing summer filled with friends, parties, sangria and beach balls.. I started feeling anxious.. what was it? did I leave the kettle on? NO. Iron? No, I don't iron...hair straightener? (possibly)..."Oh Darnit!!!" I stop kicking sand at my brother immediately and stand still - copping a sand bomb in the stomach. "I have to go! I need to break up with my boyfriend" I tell my brother. "You're what!?!" he presses. "You know... boyfriend...are you the only person under 25 who does not check Facebook twice a day?" I nag him..."I really do have to go I can't even begin to explain it either". Leaving my brother stunned and a lonely sand kicker, I march home.

You see, my plan B. was quite complex. I could not break up with him on Christmas or New years (please refer to previous post) but I did not want to physically put myself in my new relationship so to speak. I needed reasons NOT to see him.

My excuses between the 24th of December - 9th January

1. It's Christmas and I have family duties........24/7....at a secret hide out...with limited phone reception...
2. "I am actually going on holidays.. I'm leaving in 5 minutes.. can't talk now byeeeee"
3. I have a suspicious rash, I don't know how I got it...It might even be a late outbreak of SARS or even Menningococcal...

Needless to say, I was trying to physically escape the relationship which had been branded all over cyber-space.


I got home, poured a big glass of water and started practising my break up speech. Today was the day I said I would call after I received the all clear on the Menningococcal front.

Everything was right to go.. I had waited until after the Christmas and New Years period..I had not led him to believe anything more than he had already thought and I had personalised a break up speech...everything was lined up...Until he showed up!

My Facebook relationship was colliding with my real life. Standing in the kitchen wet, sandy, red cheeks from the sun peeking out from under my oversize beach hat - I look up to see 'Jamie' knocking at the back door with a sheepish expression on his face.

Oh crap crap crap crap crap CRAP!

There was no escaping, he had already seen me through the glass door.

I pull myself together, take a deep breathe and tell myself "come on, be a man, he had no right to announce a relationship with you on Facebook without prior warning and due notification.".

I always forget how tall 'Jamie' is and it takes me aback as I open the door. By a rough estimate I would place him at 6"4. His tall frame towers over my 5"3 physique and I have to stand back so I can comfortably look at him while speaking to each other.

I invite 'Jamie' in - I can tell he anxious about seeing me so I try and uplift the mood by talking about mutual friends and what has been happening lately since New Years. I avoid talking about his feelings and depression surrounding Christmas and family at all costs.

Before I could offer 'Jamie' some lunch, my brother storms in. "You can't just say you have a boyfriend and storm off!.. wtf!!". His face is red and looks some what irritated.

'Jamie' turns to my brother like an angry giant ready for war, he assesses his enemy.. looking him up and down - his nostrils flaring, his face tightens.. "That would be me" he says in a deep angry voice. Before either of us could correct him, 'Jamie' turns to me "So, how long have you been seeing this guy? hey!! I should of known you weren't sick or away with family..It's over, we are finished!!!" his voice cracks on the last few words..I felt a pang of guilt and sadness. 'Jamie' does not linger - he walks out with so much force, my brother and I freeze giving 'Jamie' open access to a dramatic walk out. I put my finger to my lip to motion to my brother to remain silent.

The door slams and 'Jamie' is gone.


After filling my brother in we decide to check Facebook. As suspected, 'Jamie' has changed his relationship status via his iphone just minutes after he left the house. All of the people who congratulated him on his 'in a relationship' status were now commenting on his single status. The replies ranged from shock and confusion to 'women hating' and sympathetic condolences.

I wish I felt relieved..However even though in my eyes the relationship was never 'real' - 'Jamie' thought it was and so did his 300 or so 'friends' on Facebook, was it real???

*slap*

my brother affectionately slaps me on the cheek - "are you kidding me with this?... Let's follow on with this thing.. post break up pig out...you get the chocolate block and ice cream and I'll pretend to hate 'There's something about Mary'".


With that I closed the chapter on yet another failed 'relationship', my shortest one since year 3 which lasted 2 days.


((I have since been in contact with Jamie and explained that the guy who walked in was actually my brother and so he clearly got the wrong idea.. however I was planning on breaking up with him that afternoon had it not been for the misunderstanding... we are on friendly terms and hopefully one day he will find someone who he is totally compatible with and who is as equally excited to be in a relationship))


Loyalties Of Life by Christal A is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
Based on a work at loyaltiesoflife.blogspot.com.